So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
