So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
whose parrot is this?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize