I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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