Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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