What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
