The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
