i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
