Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
