I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
