I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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