new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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