Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
