do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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