the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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