So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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