my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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