Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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