They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
