she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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