I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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