Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
