She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
