I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm jealous of your bromance
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
