your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
