My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
