Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
