I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
