She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
