He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize