my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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