I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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