I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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