please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
