I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
