how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So squirting runs in the family.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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