You smell like stripper and shame
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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