you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
