shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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