yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ruined the universe
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
