I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my liver is dry heaving
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize