What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize