The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
