so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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