I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
