My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
