I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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