FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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