my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
