4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You ruined the universe
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
