Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
