sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
