wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
