this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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