She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
