u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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