I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
