New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
