We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
