Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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