You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
