i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
