Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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