i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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